I am stuck.....

I am stuck

 

Every day is the same.

I wake up, eat breakfast, watch my morning shows and then go to work.

I smile, take your abuse, handle your money, and not once does my smile falter.

When my shift is over I walk home, fix dinner, talk with my family, play some games and then go to bed.

 

 I tell myself it’s only temporary. That things will be better soon.

That tomorrow will be better.

But it’s a lie.

 

I know the truth in my head.

Tomorrow will be the same.

Just as the day after that will be, and the day after that, and the day after that.

It will be the same.

 

Tomorrow will come I will still be stuck.

I will get up, fix breakfast, watch my shows and go to work, come home, eat inner play games and go to bed.

 

Nothing will change.

 

I tried to find solace.

Tried and became the best I could be at my job.

None of that matters though, being the best means nothing when you’re sobbing and crying on the inside.

 

I tried to bury myself.

To take interest in the things around.

Although it works for a time it always fades

 

I tried to explain myself,

Tried to tell others how I felt.

None of them understood.

They brushed me aside, told me to keep at it, or make the best of it.

They don’t see it, the pain that fills me.

 

Some tell me to find another job.

If only I could.

There are a thousand other people just like me.

What hope do I have?

 

I tried to find reprieve.

I started creating; now I’m god for worlds that I control.

Worlds where everyone is under my power.

Worlds where the characters are happy and loved.

But even they don’t see it, the pain their illusionary happiness brings me.

 

I tried to work through the problem.

I sought out help from people skilled in dealing with my feelings.

But their words do nothing.

The momentary hope I feel is fleeting; soon it vanishes leaving me frustrated and sad again.

Their questions don’t heal or aid me, they only cut and harm me.

They twist my feelings, they make me turn on myself and myself for what I am; the problem.

 

I know there are ways out.

Some are quick and painless

Others are slow and agonizing.

They are always there, always in the shadows of my thoughts.

Most days I refuse them; simply ignoring their calls.

 

Other days I falter

I turn and look at them and wonder; would it be so bad?

To simply choose one and finally be free of these feelings?

Others would be sad for a time, but they would move on.

Some would be free, some would not care, and others would simply turn away and forget about me.

 

But I know the truth; I know I can’t do it.

So strong is my need to not upset people that I can’t do it.

And so the ways remain unused, always there; always lurking and watching but never utilized.

 

I am stuck

 

Every day is the same.

I wake up, eat breakfast, watch my morning shows and then go to work.

I smile, take your abuse, handle your money, and not once does my smile falter.

When my shift is over I walk home, fix dinner, talk with my family, play some games and then go to bed.

 

The pattern will repeat, day after day after day after day

 

Perhaps I have gone insane

Perhaps I was always insane

 

 

I am stuck.